The Dissertation Diaries

I turned in my full draft to my committee at the beginning of January.

I had done everything “right.”
I planned ahead.
I mapped out revisions.
I blocked time off work to respond to feedback quickly.
I felt organized and prepared.

And then… things shifted.

There wasn’t much feedback at first. Then, within a short window, I had to replace a committee member unexpectedly. Shortly after that, seven weeks before my scheduled defense, my chair stepped back.

To be clear, these changes were not due to my progress, my performance, or my preparation. There were personal and professional shifts on the part of others. But even when something isn’t caused by you, you still have to navigate it.

Suddenly, I wasn’t just revising chapters.

I was rebuilding a committee.

And here’s the part that feels especially tender: I have already RSVP’d for graduation. My cap and gown are hanging in my closet. The date has been circled. The plans have been quietly forming.

I was ready.

That’s what makes unexpected change so destabilizing. It’s not just logistical. It’s emotional. When you are this close, any wobble feels amplified.

There are so many things you can plan for in a dissertation program. You can plan your writing schedule. You can plan your research design. You can plan your defense slides months in advance.

What you cannot plan for are structural changes that happen around you.

Doctoral work is deeply personal, but it is also deeply institutional. It relies on people. And people have full lives, evolving priorities, and circumstances we don’t always see.

This season has required more flexibility than I anticipated.

All of this is happening while I am:

• Working full-time.
• Stepping into a new leadership role outside of my job.
• Protecting time for my family and the parts of my life that ground me.
• Managing the very real feeling of being overstimulated and stretched thin.

There have been moments where I’ve quietly wondered what exactly I signed up for.

Not because I don’t believe in my research.
Not because I’m unprepared.
Not because I did something wrong.

But because navigating unexpected change on top of an already full life is heavy.

What I’m learning in this stretch is something I talk about often, but am now living more deeply:

You can prepare well and still have to adapt.
You can be organized and still be surprised.
You can be capable and still feel overwhelmed.

This part of the journey isn’t aesthetic. It isn’t tidy. It isn’t the neatly color-coded planner page.

It’s the recalibration. The professional emails. The reworked timelines. The steady decision to keep moving forward, even when the structure shifts.

I cannot control who steps down.
I cannot control institutional dynamics.
I cannot control how quickly feedback arrives.

I can control whether I remain steady.
I can control whether I keep writing.
I can control whether I respond with professionalism instead of panic.

And right now, that is enough.

If you’re in a doctoral program and your path feels bumpier than you expected, please hear this: sometimes disruptions happen that have nothing to do with your competence or commitment.

You are not behind.
You are not failing.
You are navigating complexity.

The cap and gown are still hanging in my closet.

And I am still moving toward them.

But also… wtf.